It's been awhile.
Really, it's been a year.
In that year, I completed a year of college. I moved five hours from home. I lived in a dorm. I met people and made friends and navigated through classes and activities and ministries and the cafeteria during the 12 o'clock lunch hour. :)
I did a lot. I met GPA goals and went to concerts and served as an editor for the school paper and cooked for friends and went camping and volunteered as a tutor at a middle school.
But I neglected a lot too.
I didn't call my parents enough, didn't text my sister enough, didn't email my grandparents enough. I slept in and tweeted and cleaned my room instead of spending time with the Lord. I thought about my own things instead of praying. And, get this, I gave up Scripture memorization because I didn't want to overload my brain with all the other facts about tectonic plates and B-roll footage and marketing and internal attribution that I was cramming into my mind.
I didn't party, drink or do anything like that. But maybe sin is quiet too. Maybe sin is believing that attending chapel three times a week is enough Jesus. Maybe sin is assuming that you are 'good enough' because everyone else says you are.
And maybe a wakeup call from that quiet sin comes when you realize that your life would be the same without Jesus. Because the choices you're making aren't because you're obedient to your Lord or love your Savior. It's because you're a good kid who wants to be respected by those around her.
But who knows about the little, quiet ways distance from the Lord can creep into your life? The cruelty and jealousy you are shocked to feel and the gossip and rudeness that rises from that. The pride that separates you from others. The deceitfulness. The having to have it all together and not wanting to face the Lord because in Him you realize your brokenness that can only be fixed by Him, not by your grades and resume and striving.
So that's where I've been.
But that's not where I'm going. I'm working on memorizing Psalm 17:15. "As for me, I will be vindicated and will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness." I want to be satisfied in the Lord and Him alone.
This was what I wrote in my journal the day I got home from school:
"I feel like this year, this semester, and especially these last few weeks, I've been walking through a fog.
In the forest of my life.
I fell off the path and then had to push through all these thorns and brush and would sometimes cross back over the path and maybe even stay on it for a short distance but would then wander off again.
And then I was running our of fear and anxiety and tripped into a muddy creek and was cold, wet and caked in dirt that kept weighing me down.
Be my rescue team and find me, dirty, cold, lost and afraid. Take me in and clean all the mud and dirt and shame off of me and set my feet on the path and hold my hand as we walk it together.
Lord, bring me back."
Where I'm going is wherever the Lord will take me.
Thanks for reading my honesty.
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